Visceral Reveries | Vera Rhys Weatherford

Hey Grandma. Hi Grandpa.

I miss you. I haven't thought about you in a while, and I didn’t realize it. It’s like my mind is actively trying to keep you out of it so my heart can heal, but my head doesn’t realize my heart can’t. But I thought of you today.

I met a boy at my new school. He asked why I transferred there and I didn’t know how to answer him. When I thought of you I felt my heart breaking, so I got angry instead. I promised I wouldn't, but I couldn’t help it. It’s too hard to hurt. It’s just so much easier to be angry… But you know what? It was okay. I think he understands.

I wish you could have met him. He seems very nice. And not pushy or creepy like other guys. He’s… I don’t know how to describe it. He’s different.

His name is Malachai. I think dad would have liked him.

Hey grandma, grandpa.

First day of class is over. I survived. Barely. I wore my hat and glasses around all day. It’s like 3rd year again. I can feel people staring. The accidental brushes in the hallway. It’s all building up. I remember Mal saying there’s a metal shop on campus somewhere but I never went to go looking for it. He also offered to teach me archery. I thought about saying yes just to spend some more time with him but I’m not sure if he’s just… you know.

DADA almost broke me today. We had to go up against a Boggart. I think seeing myself as mom has worn off a little as I’ve gotten older… It still freaks me out, but it’s not the same. Not like when I was little. I was able to turn it into a little paper bird. With polka dots.

Don’t ask.

Elsa is going to host a party this weekend. She’s calling it the Beauregard Benefit Ball. I don’t even think she asked the Headmaster permission. I asked her to cancel it. I don’t want everyone at school thinking I’m this rich snooty girl. It’s hard enough when they just see the Veela.

I fucked up tonight. I fucked up all week. I don’t even know where to start. I asked Malachai to come help me get Alex back for the damn cat sweaters and it was all going so well. God, he looked amazing… I’ve never met anyone that made me feel light-headed like he does. I think I like him. A lot. But when he went to kiss me I panicked. I don’t know if he actually likes me. I can’t be sure. I don’t ever think I can be sure. I tried to talk to Elsa about it but she wasn’t any help. She told me you can tell by how they look at you. What the fuck does that even mean? Anyway, Toby showed up and I left. I couldn’t stand being there anymore. I felt trapped. And I didn’t want him to see me cry. Why couldn’t I just be a normal witch? Everything would be so much easier.

I don’t know what to do, Grandma.

It feels like I’m dying.

I tried to find Malachai to tell him I like him, and apologize for running away from him at the benefit, but he has a girlfriend. I saw them in the courtyard together. It was just being Veela. I should have known.

And then I ran into this total fucking cunt at the owlery. The language is justified, Grandma. Promise. She tried to blow me up and ended up killing Killer instead. I couldn’t see anything but red. I wanted to throw her off the tower, and I think I would have if the charms professor hadn’t stopped us. I’ve never been so angry in my life.

I know, I know… I’m bottling it up too much. But if I don’t I’d just be crying all the time.

I miss you. I miss you SO much.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written you. It’s been a weird couple of weeks. There’s a boy in my DADA class that doesn’t react to me the way other guys do. Turns out he’s gay, but no one knows it. He’s really struggling with it and it’s breaking my heart. He likes another boy at school but can’t tell him. There’s so much he’s told me that just makes me so sad for him. I wish we would have met sooner. He could have come to live with us instead of his awful family. You would adore him. Anyway, we’re dating. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s all for show. We’re kind of protecting each other. Everyone thinks I’m his girlfriend so they don’t bother him about maybe being gay, and most of the guys back off a little more now that I’m dating a seventh year. They still stare, but… there’s been a noticeable decrease in “accidental” touches.

I’m worried though. He’s been spending a lot more time with me at night. We slept together last night again - not sex, just sleeping - and I think I can hear him crying in his sleep.

I keep seeing that bitch around school, too. She hasn’t said anything, and neither have I (you’d be proud at how well I’ve held back) but she keeps glaring at me. I’m got a little bit of a bad feeling but after talking about it to Rhett he told me not to worry. Besides, I handled my own around her pretty well the last time.

It’s getting harder to avoid Mal. He’s in my house, so the common room is pretty off limits unless I want to face him. Which I don’t. It still hurts. I feel stupid for liking a boy this much. Besides, dating Rhett and all, I need to keep up the appearances that I’m head over heels for him. It’s funny. For as much as people think we make out and hook up, we’ve only ever just sat and talked. It’s nice, having a friend that doesn’t get all goofy around me. I did find his ticklish spot, though. I almost snorted gingerbeer out of my nose it was so funny. And I got to hear him laugh. That’s been few and far between lately.